I knew change wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t anticipate it to be this hard.
Once again I was on the road, loving it, and then getting in to the traffic. Because I didn’t feel my jolly self, I remembered my coach’s suggestion to use ho’oponopono to fill my mind and to evoke positive emotions.
So I started to repeat in my mind: I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you.
Everything seemed to go as planned, I felt slightly better, and my surroundings, the other drivers, appeared to reflect back to me my positive energy. They kept it on their own lane, they hold a distance from my back bumper, and they drove according to the speed limit, not too fast but not too slow either.
This went on for maybe ten minutes. And then something happened.
Because it was dark, I needed to have my high-beams on. And off, when meeting oncoming traffic. This time I wasn’t quick enough in turning my high-beams off, and the other driver flashed his lights to let me know that I was blinding him. And so my downward spiral began.
I could hear from the back of my mind a voice saying that it wasn’t any excuse. When I asked what wasn’t, the voice continued that repeating some ho’oponopono wasn’t a good excuse for my actions. In my mind’s eye I could see myself facing a angry group of people accusing me for not paying attention to the traffic, for not taking other drivers in consideration.
All this just because I was once too late in turning off my high-beams!
Not knowing what else to do, I continued the ho’oponopono mantra. Every time I started the litany with I’m sorry, please forgive me, I could feel my energy drop. Ending with I love you, thank you couldn’t lift my energy back to the level where I had been. Every repetition pulled me down deeper and deeper into the quicksand of guilt.
My thoughts started to wander and the mantra was left on autopilot at the back of my mind. When I started to listen to it again, I noticed that the order of those lines had changed. It wasn’t anymore I’m sorry, please forgive me, I love you, thank you, but instead I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me, thank you. This way the mantra was more balanced energetically.
I was able to pull myself out of the quicksand that time, but my search for a way to stay out of it altogether continues.