Last night was a difficult one with our little girl. She wasn’t sleeping well, cried often in her sleep, and couple of times we needed to carry her around to get her to calm down. There were times when I offered her food, but she refused to eat. Those moments are the most challenging ones for me, when my help isn’t accepted. When I think about the roles in the drama triangle, I shift rapidly into the role of Perpetrator or Victim, getting either angry or resentful by the rejection.
Following my strategy and waiting for a sign to take action makes me think that I’ve now got my signs. First I read from the article about the drama triangle by Lynne Namka the description of the Rescuer. Then on the 2018 Human Design Evolution Guide from Karen Curry Parker one of the writing assignments for this week was to answer to the question “Am I comfortable serving the Higher Good without recognition?” And now my little girl is giving me the last piece by making me aware of my strong reactions to her behavior.
The Oxford English Dictionary defines ‘self-esteem’ as confidence in one’s own worth or abilities; self-respect. Lynne points out that a Rescuer gathers self-esteem by being seen as unselfish for the good of someone else. As a rescuer I’m stuck in a false superiority with defense of acting unselfishly to help others. I’m using the strategies of rescuing and enabling to feel important. When I’m enabling others, I get to feel safe.
Lynne lists healthy skills for Rescuer to leave the drama triangle. I sympathize with her advises, although they don’t give enough instructions for me on how to follow them. Lynne urges me to catch myself in the act of feeling good because I helped someone. I would need to stop basing my self-esteem on helping others. She challenges me to give up my need to feel superior because I’m the good girl who always helps others. I need to address my self-esteem needs to control others and know what’s best for them.
Lynne wants me to address my own problems, shortcomings, and negative emotions instead of focusing on other people. I would need to put boundaries in solving other people’s problems and to put all my energy into solving my own. She encourages me to define my new self-esteem as a person who takes care of my own feelings, thoughts, actions, and problems.
The second last advice Lynne gives for a Rescuer to leave the drama triangle is to take an assertiveness course. That reminded me of Jessica Ehrenworth’s book The Assertiveness Solution. When I checked the word ‘self-esteem’ from the Oxford English Dictionary, the first example sentence there was ‘assertiveness training for those with low self-esteem’. Another sign for me to take action on this. Jessica’s book is now the first one on my list.